Subs & trains,
trails & lanes
keep us in line
when we give up the brains.
They lead us where we hope to get,
more assuring than the governors we’ve let
dig us new tunnels,
under the bridges long by crashed.
They say too many blocks on the road,
the prince we voted for
just turns back to toad.
We killed the snake
just a few months back,
only to drink acid rain.
Sure frogs can look nice,
but take my advice;
They jump from one place to another,
only clue left is their giggle.
Snakes & toads excite me little,
like the sting of bees for the honey.
Early spring brings none,
just like the state budget,
our non-existent money.
It’s always give us more time
til the sun comes out,
cuz it’s winter all year round.
So we put on thick coats,
the color is black,
in this market no one lacks .
Officials try to cut these straws short.
Thirst for revenge drives us the most.
Ledge that leads from heart to action,
bridge built off of the fractions.
For the old times sake
we don’t recognize,
but it’s in our blood.
We grab the rake,
cry & rave
for the justice we never had.
All trails lead away from this city
some day soon,
like yesterday’s tomorrow,
boom ! – No more pitty.
Then we’ll take the subs & trains,
lines & lanes,
make them our trails out of this place!
early draft
HELLO!
Comments coming soon! :-)
Miriam
can’t delete the dumb title….
just sort of put it there so there was something , anything, but i really hate it
Well, I would not say it’s dumb, nor do I hate it, but the title does not do justice to the poem, I agree. How about “Natural Migrations?” It’s clear that the poem is about humans….
I just have a few broad comments about this one — don’t want to get too deeply into it because it’s early yet and sometimes broad ideas are better than nitpicks at this stage.
First, it’s EXCELLENT. Really. You are onto an excellent poem here.
Having said that, there are a couple-few things I think could be improved.
First, the snake/frog/toad imagery is brilliant, but appears and then disappears and the reader wonders why? I would bring that imagery back — otherwise, it’s confusing — like another road that leads nowhere, and while it’s good for the poem to have these roads leading us — well — nowhere, we don’t want the poem itself to do that. Not with imagery that powerful, I don’t think.
Second, there are things thrown in there that I don’t get and I’m wondering if it’s a country difference thing. Grab a rake? Put on a coat? What do those things have to do with government and/or migrations? I might well be missing something, so please don’t assume these things should go — but if they don’t have meanings relevant to the main idea(s) of the poem, I would either put in more information to MAKE them relevant, or else replace them with more relevant imagery.
Third and last — I would just really think here about what exactly you want the reader to get — like, one or two things you NEED us to know. Government sucks? The infrastructure of the world is crumbling and no one has the power to fix it? Humans are aimless fools? (My personal favorite, hahaha.) Whatever that idea (or those ideas) is/are, look at each line and ask yourself: how does this line add to that idea, that meaning? How does my reader get more understanding about what I want him/her to understand with that line? That might help tighten the focus.
I can’t wait to see the next draft!!!
Miriam
hi !!!!!!
Thank You for your input, I always find it really helpful !!!!
i say I’ll worry about the title when I finally figure out how to connect the trains w/ the snakes and toads at the end :) GOOD POINT !!!!!
-natural migrations is ok too, might stick to that
k, to explain a bit here ….. WELL, EXPLAIN THE UNEXPLAINABLE :)
For the OLD TIMES SAKE
we don’t recognize,
but it’s in our blood.
We grab the RAKE,
cry & rave
for the justice we never had.
- REALLY DON’T KNOW HOT TO EXPLAIN THIS, OTHER THAN BRING THE READER BACK TO THE TIME WHEN NOT EVERYBODY OWNED A GUN, AND PPL WERE FARMERS(I KNOW, LAME – FARMERS OWN GUNS …. ) ….. SIMPLY EVERYONE OWNED A RAKE, IT’S KINDA SHARP AND JUST RHYMES BETTER THAN KNIFE :) PPL, IN OUR LAND AS A NATION – VERY MIXED BACKGROUNDS IN THE EARLY STAGES, OUR LAND WAS INVADED/OCCUPIED LOTS, WE WEREN’T REALLY THE ONES TO GO AND START A WAR OR PROTEST MUCH AGAINST THE OCCUPYING FORCES – PRETTY MUCH STAYS THE SAME UP TO THIS DAY
I GUESS THESE FEW VERSES SHOULD BRING UP AN IMPRESSION OF A STRIKE BY THE “COMMON FOLK”
NOW ONTO MY 2ND ATTEMPT :
It’s always give us more time
til the sun comes out,
cuz it’s WINTER all year round.
So we put on thick COATS,
the color is BLACK,
in this MARKET no one lacks .
THIS AND THE PREVIOUS LINES REFER TO OUR GOVERNMENT —- OUR TAXES AND EVERYTHING IS STOLEN FROM THE STATE BUDGET LOTS TIMES PPL’S RETIREMENT, CORRUPTION IS REALLY BIG, GOVERNMENT AND MAFIA ARE REALLY TIGHT, JUDGICIAL SYSTEM = MAFIA AND SO ON …. JUST TO GIVE U AN IDEA ……..
“IT’S WINTER ALL YEAR ROUND “-> always some sort of excuse the govt. gives to ppl for not measuring up … these days everything gets blamed on “the crisis” ….
SO WE PUT ON THICK COATS -> basically ppl-citizens improvise all they can, times r tough – THICK – nothing gets thru a thick coat (also the reason for the coat is just the winter in previous line – nothing more, but it helps me connect the thought of the excuses from the govt. w/ the black market thing following )
COLOR IS BLACK -> just sets thing up for the next line
IN THIS MARKET NO ONE LACKS -> points to the human ability to survive apart from the government, also
“black market” – lots of that here, all kinds of stuff
just thought my last comment was getting really long ….. :) but wanna finish the thought process …. this is bit of an afterthought (the whole poem) after the elections a month back … really politics is looked upon w/ a lot of distrust and hate, we’re a post-communist country – for 20 years now, but we haven’t been able to build a stable government that would prosper us and lead us … which for lotta ppl is so frustrating that they simply emigrate
oh, and i think I have 2 more drafts from a while back – r u able to c them? i think i left them public = just still not sure how this whole wordpress thing works ….