I can’t help the way I was born,
& no, don’t feel torn – by what you feel ’bout me!
It’s your shit to deal with, mine to smell,
but I can tell – you’re not well ’round here /(me),
probably uncomfortable as hell.
I hope I didn’t lose a friend tonite,
cuz I dunno what u thinkin’,
can’t read your mind,
so “WHY?” is your heart sinkin’ ?
Is it in light of my secret?
Oh-fuck!, then, so be it….,
what does it change ’bout you and me,
thought our friendship will eternally live /(eternally lives).
So wide, so deep-ly you anxiously be.
So hide behind your smile,
while your tears start to flow,
like a mighty rivers tide-
-so wide, so deep, a rush of water,
streams of life, wash all that matter…
-…mattered … a minute ago…
Dreams shattered, angry thoughts gone/(have) scattered…
New seeds I’ve planted, fruit in Eden I’ve eaten,
…raw/(young) hopes well watered(,) to be grown,
as time passes by …. no return …
So what’s it gonna be, u & me picking that tree?
Full of hope(,) throw away the rope my friend,
I can find better grounds to be desperate .
Here, there you go – fruit of mature aid.
Eat away! – Can’t start a day without it….
Say um weird? Fuck it, so be it….
(But) I’m happy and you’re not…..
come, come …. join mey/(me, my) love! ….
Welcome to WebPoets and thanks for the great poems! Before I say anything at all, let me ask my usual question: what kind of feedback would you prefer?
Thanks again for being here!
Miriam
Honest constructive criticism.I like to learn and think things thru… :)
Both poems r close to being the final cut I think, but…
Thank You for letting me join!
Hey!
Sorry for the belated reply!! And sorry this is just a note telling you I will comment on BOTH your poems tomorrow. :-)
Miriam
Thanks for your patience — life has been a bit crazier than usual lately. ;-)
In any case, first of all, I have to say there is something amazingly fresh about your piece that I can’t quite put my finger on, which is (to me) one marker of an excellent poem. So, although I can’t quantify that comment, I do mean it, and feel it, which is important (the feeling, I mean).
To me, this is CLEARLY a read-aloud poem. I can see it being performed at a poetry slam, actually. And to that end, my main suggestion is that you clean up some of the uneven rhythms that appear here and there. The rhymes appear rather haphazardly through the poem and to me that WORKS, I would not change it, but the RHYTHM should be tight — not necessarily sing-song, not at all, but TIGHT and workable.
The best way to accomplish that is to read it aloud and see how it sounds to you (or to a friend).
For example — take these lines:
I can’t help the way I was born,
& no, don’t feel torn – by what you feel ’bout me!
It’s your shit to deal with, mine to smell,
but I can tell – you’re not well ’round here /(me),
probably uncomfortable as hell.
That “uncomfortable” sticks out to me as a bit jarring, doesn’t quite flow — I’d suggest playing around with some other words to replace it with something that preserves the meaning but keeps the flow alive.
The only other thing I might suggest is to play around with this line:
Here, there you go – fruit of mature aid.
I’m honestly not sure what that means, hahaha — what does it mean? Is there a way to make it clearer to the reader/listener?
Otherwise, I think this is fantastic.
Miriam
hmmmmmmmmmm,
I can’t help the way I was born,
& no, don’t feel torn – by what you feel ’bout me!
It’s your shit to deal with, mine to smell,
but I can tell – you’re not well ’round here /(me),
your lip bit, taboo( shy) as hell ……………-NOT SURE THIS WORKS EITHER….
the line: HERE, THERE U GO – FRUIT OF MATURE AID … well all i can say is it’s there to pretty much drive u crazy, make u go back and think about it, so I guess it fulfilled it’s purpose, other than that it’s kinda pointless … i don’t think a poem necessarily has to give it all away….in terms of the reader getting it the first or second time they read it…bit like flirting w/ the reader, u don’t get pregnant just by flirting, so won’t the reader get any smarter by reading my poem…,
but : the truth is I couldn’t get the wording right in terms of rhythm I kinda wanted it to be something like “mature fruit”&blah,blah,blah …this is the real meaning I first had in mind: mature fruit really reffering to love that grows over time
- ….(also fruit of EDEN in a religious/old myths context: “the fruit was desirable for gaining wisdom and pleasing to the eye” -the Bible version of the story – that’s the “forbidden fruit”,
but there’s also another tree in that story “tree of life” – if a man eats of that one he will live FOREVER (That being the reason for being barred from the life in the garden of Eden-cuz God-gods(depends on the version) didn’t want man-kind to be like Him/them-knowing good and evil
the word AID just sort of puts it in the context of one helping the other/or one oneself(first I wrote it w/ the thought of inner conflict in mind that translates into other relationships of that person)
—so, not sure if u’re better off knowing what was going thru my mind when I wrote that line…. but oh, well, LOL,
still the rhythm SUCKS,
guess I could have just said “here u go – fruit of mature aid” ???? dunno really…
well, anyways, THANK U 4 U’r input on both poems, very helpful.
as far as poetry slam goes….maybe one day….
Hey!
I COMPLETELY AGREE that poems should not be obvious all the time — Sylvia Plath is one of my all time favorite poets, and as you might well know, some people still have no idea what she was saying in some of her poems. HAHAHA
But the thing is — one needs to be able to come to SOME conclusion, whether or not they are right — you know what I mean? For example, Daddy (not only my favorite Plath poem but probably my favorite POEM) has about a million different possible interpretations, to the point that I STRONGLY disagree with what PLATH HERSELF said that poem was about. You know what I mean? But it’s a HARD poem to figure out, takes many readings, regardless of what you end up thinking it’s about.
Having said that, I do get the Eden thing and the tree thing and all that symbolism — what doesn’t make sense is “mature aid.” Even when you explain it, I still don’t see it…..
How about something like “Here you go, fruit of a different life,” to make it clear that it’s something that will be sustaining but not like, um, biblical, you know, in the boy-girl way? Or “this time the fruit is yours to eat,” another sort of reminder that you are offering the fruit but in a different way?
Just some thoughts…. :-)
Poetry slams are FUN — where do you live? Are there any around there?
YEAH, i like what u’re sayin’… really the word AID is just there, cuz it crossed my mind on top of the other stuff-yeah, does give kinda nonsense twist to things altogether, and it “rhymed” a bit w/ “desperate”…., and black&white ending’s no good… gimme a few days and i’ll come up w/ somethin’
At the moment I live in Slovakia-(Bratislava)… central Europe…, maybe when I move back to London, UK I could do a poetry slam, but not where I’m living now….at least not w/ this piece, cuz we actually speak another language… things just “flow better” in English for me…
as far as Daddy goes – I’ll read it a hundred times and call myself lucky if I get 1/4 of the stuff in that poem, I c why u like it!
Hey!
You are in Slovakia! The power of the internet is definitely real — wow! Yeah, I’m sure London has lots of slams. :-)
I have done the same thing with poems, gotten fixed on a word or idea, and despite like 100 people telling me it doesn’t work, I keep trying to make it work. HAHAHA What I have tried to do since is keep the word or idea in a folder and plan to use it somewhere else in the future. That sort of frees my mind to come up with other options for the poem where it didn’t work. Don’t know if that will help you in this case.
Yeah, Daddy is a masterpiece, I think. The internal rhymes (the oo sound), the imagery, the meaning, the sheer raw emotions — amazing. Me, I think it’s so clearly about father-daughter incest (which also explains why she killed herself) but on a radio show she refuted that theory. I tend to stick with it and believe she was one of those who repressed her memories and eventually they got her in the end…
Miriam
sorry, life has me kinda busy lately … thought it’d take me a few days to come up w/ somethin’ reasonable there…just had no time (and mood) to “think”
——( Daddy- yeah, incest was the 1st thing that came to my mind reading it – like he really must have done somethin’ to her of that sort…)
WELL, here is a small remake of this poem – those 2 parts that didn’t work all that great…., but I’ll copy and paste the whole thing -easier to read than having to scroll up and down the page… lemme know what u think
I can’t help the way I was born,
& no, don’t feel torn – by what you feel ’bout me!
It’s your shit to deal with, mine to smell,
but I can tell – you’re not well ’round here ,
your lip bit, ail like hell . /(distant as hell)
I hope I didn’t lose a friend tonite,
cuz I dunno what u thinkin’,
can’t read your mind,
so “WHY?” is your heart sinkin’ ?
Is it in light of my secret?
Oh-fuck!, then, so be it….,
what does it change ’bout you and me,
thought our friendship will always live.
So wide, so deep-ly you anxiously be.
So hide behind your smile,
while your tears start to flow,
like a mighty rivers tide-
-so wide, so deep, a rush of water,
streams of life, wash all that matter…
-…mattered … a minute ago…
Dreams shattered, angry thoughts gone scattered…
New seeds I’ve planted, fruit in Eden I’ve eaten,
…raw hopes well watered to be grown,
as time passes by …. no return …
So what’s it gonna be, u & me picking that tree?
Full of hope throw away the rope my friend,
I can find better grounds to be desperate .
Come walk w/ me thru the gate!
Say um weird? Who r u 2 rate?
I’m happy and you’re not…..
come, come …. join me love! …..
Sorry — I too have been insanely busy with life. :-)
This is SO MUCH BETTER — I mean, wow. You have worked on this and it shows.
First, I definitely think “distant as hell” works better.
Second, I suggest you read the poem out loud — you will see that the whole rhythm and rhyme scheme pick up momentum really in the middle and are stellar the rest of the way through — see what you think, and if you agree, tweak the first half a bit so that the rhythm/rhyme is more consistent with what comes later.
Again, I definitely see this as a read-aloud thing, strong beat, very street, so you need that beat thing all the way through…
THANK YOU!!!! Hope you’re doing all right! :-)
Miriam
YEAH, U’re right, the whole INTRO PART needs PLASTIC SURGERY ….
I’ll be in London, towards end of next month, I’m thinkin I could go c a p.slam if time works out right, I used to work in a pub there and we had something similar going on there a few times, just lots of artist hangin out and stuff, so I’ll ask around b/4 I go….
I won’t help the way I was born,
I just don’t feel torn,
u’r scorn is fine by me.
It’s your shit to deal with, mine to smell,
but I can tell you’re not well ’round here ,
(lip bit,) distant as hell, close as devil to dear.
Need I make myself clear?
I hope I didn’t lose a friend tonite,
that just wouldn’t be right.
That said i try to read your mind,
so “WHY?” is your heart sinkin’ ?
Is it in light of my secret?
Oh-fuck!, then, so be it….,
what does it change ’bout you and me,
thought our friendship will always live.
So wide, so deep-ly you anxiously be.
aaaaaaaaaaaah, damn, still, me and rhythm will never make friends I guess
but I can tell you’re not well ’round here ,
(lip bit,) distant as hell, close as devil to dear.
Need I make myself clear?,
-what if I just erase ” ’round ” …. :
but I can tell you’re not well here ,
(lip bit,) distant as hell, close as devil to dear.
Need I make myself clear?
I won’t help the way I was born,
I just don’t feel torn,
u’r scorn is fine by me.
It’s your shit to deal with, mine to smell,
but I can tell you’re not well here ,
(lip bit,) distant as hell, like devil and dear, ********(changed this again last minute :) )
Need I make myself clear?
I hope I didn’t lose a friend tonite,
that just wouldn’t be right.
That said i try to read your mind,
so “WHY?” is your heart sinkin’ ?
Is it in light of my secret?
Oh-fuck!, then, so be it….,
what does it change ’bout you and me,
thought our friendship will always live.
So wide, so deep-ly you anxiously be.
So hide behind your smile,
while your tears start to flow,
like a mighty rivers tide-
-so wide, so deep, a rush of water,
streams of life, wash all that matter…
-…mattered … a minute ago…
Dreams shattered, angry thoughts gone scattered…
New seeds I’ve planted, fruit in Eden I’ve eaten,
…raw hopes well watered to be grown,
as time passes by …. no return …
So what’s it gonna be, u & me picking that tree?
Full of hope throw away the rope my friend,
I can find better grounds to be desperate .
Come walk w/ me thru the gate!
Say um weird? Who r u 2 rate?
I’m happy and you’re not…..
come, come …. join me love! …..
Hey Taste!
I’m late as usual. HAHAHAHA
OK — I have revised your work below so that I think it has some sort of rhythm thing going on — i made line breaks to sort of imply how to do the rhythm thing as I saw it — read it out loud and let me know your thoughts. :-)))
Miriam
It’s the way I was born,
I don’t feel torn,
u’r scorn is just
all right by me.
It’s your shit to deal with,
mine to smell,
but I can tell
you’re not well here ,
distant as hell,
like devil and dear,
Need I do more
to make myself clear?
I think I lost
a friend tonite,
even though
that wouldn’t be right,
cause when i try to read your mind,
all i see is your heart sinkin’.
Is it my secret?
Well then, so be it….,
what should it change ’bout you and me,
thought our friendship would always be.
So wide, so deep you anxiously be.
So hide behind your smile,
while your tears slide,
like a mighty rivers tide-
-so wide, so deep, a rush of water,
streams of life, wash all that matters…
-…mattered … mattered…
a minute ago…
Dreams shattered,
angry thoughts scattered…
Seeds I’ve planted,
fruit I’ve eaten
in this garden of eden
…raw hopes watered to be grown,
time passes by and no return …
So what’s it gonna be,
u & me
picking that tree
full of hope?
Throw away the rope my friend,
walk w/ me thru the gate!
Say um weird? Who r u 2 rate?
I’m happy and you’re not…..
come, come …. join me love! …..
HEY — did you go to the slam???????????????
Miriam !!!! :)
… kinda late myself ……..
nope, didn’t make it to the slam….oh, well, one day…
I have to say great job on this one, LOL, … I guess it’s to being a native speaker + well-read person … , which for now all I can say it’s a goal to aim towards to…
I like the beginning lots… BUT as far as the whole thing goes it’s just too clean/too perfect? dunno how to say it, definitely the rhythm works. the more I read it tho, the more I like it, maybe it’s just cuz I’ve accidentaly memorized it the last time I worked on it, so it’s ike my brain’s a bit expectant of the “old lines”-subconscious bias :) funny, how I can remember this, but not stuff I did/thought 5 seconds ago? u know I think I like it-ALL, by now I can say I wouldn’t do any better :) :) :) this is the final version then
well, hope u’r summer goes well, I’ll try n post more stuff soon
ToL.