You suck on the cigarette like mama’s breast,
poison in it connects with such in your soul.
Smokescreen turns life green on your side.
Brings dreams (that) never appeared real to begin with…,
Blunt truths open your eyes wide-
-to a small hit of sun’s ray-
-like baby’s wish for a safe today!
U see them ashes fall to the ground,
…tis where you shall return.
Master of your own decay – fire in your hands,
wealth leaving by thine command!
Every blow lands it in air – somewhere out-there ….what do you care?
….
With the fire in your mouth you lose breath,
your veins spoon with death.
But if you put the breath to the fire-
-you don’t need/(need not) much attire-
and winds soon will/(will soon) spread your dreams,
so you will always live.
Later see yourself sprout (out) from new roots/ (with new roots)
places you’ve never dared (to) place your foot…. – somewhere out-there…what do you care?!
First of all, love the title in conjunction with this one. LOVE IT. :-)
OK — second of all, to me, another poetry-slam poem — the rhythm works fine in this case, I think, nothing jumps out at me in terms of being jarring..
The only thing that does feel jarring to me is the presence of old-fashioned language in an otherwise very contemporary piece. “Tis” is out of place to me, as is “master of your own decay” — sort of old school in a way that (to me) doesn’t add to the poem but instead detracts from the flow you’ve got going on….
One question for you — what are the parenthetical words and phrases about? Are they intended to be possible alternatives, or are they there to add to the poem? If the latter, I honestly think they work although for the life of me I have no idea why. HAHAHA If the former, I have some ideas about which options work best, but would love to know what you think too.
One last thing — I would change this line:
Brings dreams (that) never appeared real to begin with…,
To this:
Brings dreams that never appeared real,
THANKS for posting and please send some more along!
Miriam
yeah, i c what u’re saying w/ the old school lingo, perhaps I could just skip the three lines :”…tis where you shall return.
Master of your own decay – fire in your hands,
wealth leaving by thine command!” , but probably not the best option…. cuz i’d hate to lose the “thought” of those lines… so … i’ll have to redo this part completely…
the line: “brings dreams that never appeared real” – that was my dilemma, but DOES FLOW LOTS BETTER the way you suggested.
OK, NOW THE PARENTHESIS, MY BAD : originally just alternatives, but I guess I wasn’t paying much attention along the way and….they’re also words that could be included in the poem, but aren’t just cuz i couldn’t make up my mind….. SORRY, LOL, SO TO ANSWER U’R QUESTION , I GUESS BOTH – FORMER & LATTER
Hey!
All right — well, if you want to get rid of the parentheses, here would be my votes (below) — I meant what I said, please post more poems! And hey — while you’re at it — we’d all love it if you could comment on some of the other poems up here. :-)
Miriam
-you don’t need/(need not) much attire- DON’T NEED
and winds soon will/(will soon) spread your dreams, WILL SOON
so you will always live.
Later see yourself sprout (out) from new roots/ (with new roots) SPREAD OUT WITH NEW ROOTS
places you’ve never dared (to) place your foot…. – somewhere out-there…what do you care?! PLACES YOU’VE NEVER DARED PLACE YOUR FOOT
THANK U.
Hey, no trouble — thank you also!!!! I really like your work. :-)
Miriam