jan.28.10
i forgot how good skin feels to lips
in the box of who i am i don’t do this
where i’ve come from love precedes lust
and lust comes after trust
but we
just went on a backwards date
where dessert was the first course
and of course
i get that for most people the terms
love and sex are not synonymous
but in the box of who i am
or at least of who i was before this
they were
so this feels strange to me
it’s been two days since our hips
locked eyes on the dance floor
i didn’t know it was possible
to miss someone you don’t know
I didn’t think i would ever find someone
who would want to get to know me again
i didn’t want you until you said
“slow down. we’ve barely skipped a beat
this whole week.”
so teach me how to date
cos last time i checked
curling up beside someone
night after night
is called something else
something that rhymes with…girlfriend
and i know you said
“labels are for soup cans”
so let’s keep it that way
i want you to kiss me everywhere
and in this new box
of who i am
it’s not bad
it just is
hey miriam -
just wondering in particular
what to do with the line
“I didn’t think i would ever find someone
who would want to get to know me again”
…i’m looking for a more creative/metaphorical way to say
‘who would want to get to know me again’
other comments welcome too, of course.
i was in the middle of moving so i haven’t responded re: your last feedback,
but i will soon. it was great but i’ll be a bit more descriptive…
ciao, lc.
Hey LC!
First of all, I’m sorry for the delayed response! I hope your move went well!
Second of all, thank you for posting this! This poem is so emotional, with a nice flow that seems to be part of your work in general.
OK — on to the nuts and bolts. ;-)
You ask about this line in particular:
I didn’t think i would ever find someone
who would want to get to know me again
If you want to go metaphorical, you need to see what metaphors are carrying through the rest of the poem so as to be cohesive. You’ve got the soup can thing going on, the BOX thing, to be more accurate.
So, something like
I thought no one else
would crawl into my box
Something like that. That way you also have the sex thing in there too, because this poem is definitely about sex as much as it is about pondering the ways in which sex and “love” and relationships do, should, and could go together (or not).
About other things:
THIS I LOVE:
i didn’t know it was possible
to miss someone you don’t know
Although I might say “I don’t know” instead of “you don’t know.”
Other comments, I guess are my usual “tighten up” sorts of things. Like this passage:
cos last time i checked
curling up beside someone
night after night
is called something else
something that rhymes with…girlfriend
Could be something like this:
last i checked
curling up with the same body
night after night
isn’t dating
That sucks, but you know what I mean. To me, poems are most powerful when all the unnecessary language is stripped away, especially because then there is more room for the necessary language. ;-)
Anyway, THANK YOU for sending more of your work. I love to read it and again, am sorry for this delayed response!
Miriam
I really like this one. I go back and read it again and again and like it more and more. I think a lot of ppl can find themselves in this poem and that’s what makes it so cool, puts words to passions and fears!
Hey, thanks for commenting on this one! I believe you are the FIRST non-moderator to comment on another participant’s poem so yay for you!!
Miriam