“love isn’t black and white”
sound waves rattled in disgust
as these words
uttered in Germany
crossed the ocean
crashed into the phone
and hit my ears
just last year
you took a direct flight
from Frankfurt to Toronto
and told me you’d never let me go
so i’d like to think
your change of tune
came from someplace inside of you
i never got to see
that this black and white love song
is a relic of what love was like
before you met me
because
it works in your favour
because
it is convenient
because
my love for you
was never grey
and i thought you
liked it that way
my love was never
half-assed
in between
wavering
hanging in the balance
it was never unclear
but if that is really how
you experience love
if your love for me was really grey
then i don’t know
what to say
except that i was
wrong
i was wrong about you
why would anyone want to
live in a world of grey love?
nevermind
i never liked that colour anyway
it is sidewalks
and cigarette ashes
it is Vancouver
for seven months of the year
grey love is dirty
between black and white
it is vague
it is murky
it is muddy
it is cloudy
grey love is keeping one
foot outside the door at
all times in the event
that an emergency escape
feels necessary
you are dirty
with her smell on your skin
with her taste on your lips
you are dirty
with the imprint of her
embrace on your heart
you are dirty
from nights of intimate
conversations with her
on your tongue
the thought of you loving me grey
makes me shudder
because
i always loved you
in technicolour
©lauren corindia 2009
Welcome to Web Poets! Thank you so much for sending this fabulous poem!
As usual, I have comments because, well, I always have comments about everything. I’d like to hear from you, though, the kind of commentary you would like: helpful hints? Impressions? Ideas? Specific or generalized?
Let me know, and again, welcome to the site!
Miriam
i welcome any and all feedback miriam. this poem was part of a grade 12
writer’s craft project so it’s already been dissected by friends and teachers.
however, nothing is set in stone, and i’m always up for learning something new.
commenting on what was done well never hurts either.
HAHAHA Yes, comments have to go both ways, not only so the commenter can avoid being a jerk, but also because positive comments are helpful too — it’s good to know what we do right as well as, shall we say, less than right. ;-) And again, all comments are subjective, always. It’s good to remember that — good to read comments both positive and more constructive with an open mind and then decide whether or not you agree with them.
Having said that, put simply, what you have done extremely well is create an excellent metaphor and weave it through the poem quite well. That’s not easy, and you pull it off. Your language is beautiful and evocative, and again, hard to do well when writing about lost love (meaning, a theme that is common) — you make it uncommon and that’s the goal of a good poem. One of the goals, anyway.
What I would suggest is cutting this in half, effectively, by reducing the repetition. Almost always, good metaphors are made far more powerful by not drumming them into the readers’ heads. I know this because this is one of my own tendencies. I WANT PEOPLE TO GET IT, you know? HAHAHAHA And so I assume they will not do so unless I say the thing over and over. But that’s not needed, and in fact gets in the way of the kind of understanding that a poem can offer: that sharp vivid THING that punches you in the gut. I’d tighten up the poem also, eliminate some of the excess verbage, again with the goal of streamlining the meanings and emotions here.
For example, you write this:
grey love is keeping one
foot outside the door at
all times in the event
that an emergency escape
feels necessary
But it could be this:
grey love keeps one
foot outside the door
Since we know what “one foot outside the door” means, you don’t have to tell us it’s for an emergency escape, and it’s more powerful to keep it short in this case, like a shot.
Plus, it goes better with “these words crossed the ocean” (which I LOVE by the way) because you will have once again personified something that isn’t usually personified.
OR THIS:
my love was never
half-assed
in between
wavering
hanging in the balance
it was never unclear
but if that is really how
you experience love
if your love for me was really grey
then i don’t know
what to say
except that i was
wrong
COULD BE THIS:
my love was never
half-assed
never unclear
but your love for me
was grey
Just eliminating some of the verbage.
This RADICALLY alters the poem, so of course as usual all comments can and should be taken in the spirit they are intended: suggestions, not dictates.
Overall, beautiful and much appreciated — PLEASE post more!!! Also, please let me know if you disagree with my comments, and why, if so, because everyone can stand to get better, both writers and commenters. :-)
Miriam