The light reflects off his eyes
Showing who she is inside
Beneath lies a chest of treasure
Wisdom of an unknown measure
Always living in denial
He screams beneath her plastic smile
Fighting about shades of grey
Slowly dying everyday
Causing him to be depressed
Getting along how he knows best
A battle with humanity
The biggest fight with he and she
Narcissistic and so vile
She really goes the extra mile
Shooting stars and crushed dreams
The boy inside that’s never seen
Standing on a mountain peak
Valleys of feelings lie beneath
Sweet T and epiphanies
At last, he is finally free
Welcome to Web Poets!
Thank you so much for posting this poem!
As always, I will ask two things:
1. I would love it if any lurkers here (you know who you are, smile!) would comment upon the poems! That’s the idea, that we set up a sort of workshop so that we comment upon each others’ poems.
2. I will NOT offer any comments of my own until I know what kind of comments you would like.
I have to say, however, that I LOVE YOUR TITLE.
I’m thrilled you are here, and look forward to hearing back from you!
Miriam
Thank you!
Any types of constructive comments are welcome! I do realize that this is definitely not one of my best poems, but I thought that it would be a great poem to post first, as it is kind of an introduction to myself.
It is indeed a great poem! And excellent — I’ll give it a few more reads and send some thoughts your way soon. :-)
Miriam
OK — here are some thoughts. :-)
First, I love how you play with pronouns — my only suggestion, though, would be to perhaps do it a BIT less — usually in poems, less is more, and if you get rid of a couple of instances of pronoun-play, it will make the others more powerful, more jarring….
Second, I might go through and replace some of the more used metaphors with others that are fresher. After all, you begin with this great, VERY fresh, play on words — you want to keep that fresh feeling. So, like, treasure chests and shades of gray are all over the place — how about a few really different images to really spice things up?
Finally, I just don’t get what sweet tea has to do with epiphanies, so you have to tell me. :-))))))
Other observations: another poem that would be great set to music, I think — good use of rhythm and rhyme, really, that’s hard to pull off and you did it — and somehow you embed a story in here, and that’s also hard to do.
Thank you so much for posting, and hey — you said you have others — cough em up!
Miriam
Okay. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this! It means a lot and really helps me out.
Okay, the sweet tea and epiphanies thing, well, I have a blog http://www.epiphaniesatthetparty.blogspot.com
I originally wrote the poem to go with my blog, and sweet tea is my favorite drink, I drink it like all the time, but sweet tea also has another meaning, as in Sweet T. T being short for testosterone. Once a female to male transgendered person has the epiphany and starts to realize things, then later on they can be put on testosterone, which is like a really big deal. After that, they are one step closer to being set free from their former female selves.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to post my poems! After I have finished editing my other ones, I may post them up :)
Benjamin
Hey Benjamin!
Thanks for the link to your blog! I hope you manage to keep this one up. ;-)
OK, I get it now about the tea. My only possible suggestion, and I honestly don’t know if I am sure about it, is to spell “tea” as “T” in the last stanza of the poem, and either “tea” in the title or still “T” — why? Because YOU know you love to drink sweet tea, it’s a reference to YOU, but it’s ONLY a reference to you. It’s too personal a reference to be relevant to readers, especially since there are no other references to tea in the poem at all.
Now, if you want to rework it, add a T party or something, that sort of thing, THEN I think “tea” will have more relevance….
Just a thought. In fact, I like that thought so much, I want you to write a poem about tea parties. HAHAHAHA No, seriously — you say you like plays on words, and the whole poem could be one cool play on words.
For whatever it’s worth, my partner is FTM — just mentioning that because it might make my comments feel more relevant — meaning that I do hear where you are coming from (second hand, anyway, hahaha), but still I had trouble making the leap from T to tea, so I’m concerned other readers might have the same trouble also — then again, perhaps it was just me. ;-)
So listen — please do post other poems, and hey — how did you hear about Web Poets?
Miriam
You’re welcome! Yeah, I hope I manage to keep it up too… I have been kind of slacking lately.
Yeah, I know. I thought about that for a while. I didn’t know which version of Tea, I should use, so I couldn’t decide and just stayed with what I originally wrote. But you are right, now that I hear it coming from someone else, I think I do need to change it.
Haha. Yes, that is a very good idea, I don’t know why I never thought of that myself. ;)
Oh really? wow! That is super cool! So you do understand the poem then…
I heard about it through the GSA Network Newsletter, there was a little article about the site, and I thought I would check it out.
Benji
Hey Benji,
Well, then great, you write a poem about T parties and I will be VERY happy to read it. :-))))
Thanks for telling us how you found us — we are relatively new and really want to get going here, so that’s good to know the GSA is coming through!
Yeah, I do understand the poem — I mean, I don’t understand in a visceral, that’s ME kind of way, plus also the experiences of all trans people are not the same, of course, so your experience of being broken out of a female body is different than, say, my partner’s experience, but yeah, having said ALL that, I do have an understanding. :-)
And in a poem, you want not just people who ALREADY have an understanding of a given situation or emotion to Get It, but especially also those who do NOT get it, because you want them TO get it — so that’s partly how I read poems (and write them), with an eye to THOSE people, because poetry can be incredibly transformative and powerful so you want to make the most of it.
I think, anyway — that’s where a lot of my comments come from…
OK — talk with you later!
Miriam