i say I’ll worry about the title when I finally figure out how to connect the trains w/ the snakes and toads at the end :) GOOD POINT !!!!!
-natural migrations is ok too, might stick to that

k, to explain a bit here ….. WELL, EXPLAIN THE UNEXPLAINABLE :)
For the OLD TIMES SAKE
we don’t recognize,
but it’s in our blood.
We grab the RAKE,
cry & rave
for the justice we never had.
- REALLY DON’T KNOW HOT TO EXPLAIN THIS, OTHER THAN BRING THE READER BACK TO THE TIME WHEN NOT EVERYBODY OWNED A GUN, AND PPL WERE FARMERS(I KNOW, LAME – FARMERS OWN GUNS …. ) ….. SIMPLY EVERYONE OWNED A RAKE, IT’S KINDA SHARP AND JUST RHYMES BETTER THAN KNIFE :) PPL, IN OUR LAND AS A NATION – VERY MIXED BACKGROUNDS IN THE EARLY STAGES, OUR LAND WAS INVADED/OCCUPIED LOTS, WE WEREN’T REALLY THE ONES TO GO AND START A WAR OR PROTEST MUCH AGAINST THE OCCUPYING FORCES – PRETTY MUCH STAYS THE SAME UP TO THIS DAY
I GUESS THESE FEW VERSES SHOULD BRING UP AN IMPRESSION OF A STRIKE BY THE “COMMON FOLK”

NOW ONTO MY 2ND ATTEMPT :
It’s always give us more time
til the sun comes out,
cuz it’s WINTER all year round.
So we put on thick COATS,
the color is BLACK,
in this MARKET no one lacks .

THIS AND THE PREVIOUS LINES REFER TO OUR GOVERNMENT —- OUR TAXES AND EVERYTHING IS STOLEN FROM THE STATE BUDGET LOTS TIMES PPL’S RETIREMENT, CORRUPTION IS REALLY BIG, GOVERNMENT AND MAFIA ARE REALLY TIGHT, JUDGICIAL SYSTEM = MAFIA AND SO ON …. JUST TO GIVE U AN IDEA ……..
“IT’S WINTER ALL YEAR ROUND “-> always some sort of excuse the govt. gives to ppl for not measuring up … these days everything gets blamed on “the crisis” ….
SO WE PUT ON THICK COATS -> basically ppl-citizens improvise all they can, times r tough – THICK – nothing gets thru a thick coat (also the reason for the coat is just the winter in previous line – nothing more, but it helps me connect the thought of the excuses from the govt. w/ the black market thing following )
COLOR IS BLACK -> just sets thing up for the next line
IN THIS MARKET NO ONE LACKS -> points to the human ability to survive apart from the government, also
“black market” – lots of that here, all kinds of stuff

I just have a few broad comments about this one — don’t want to get too deeply into it because it’s early yet and sometimes broad ideas are better than nitpicks at this stage.

First, it’s EXCELLENT. Really. You are onto an excellent poem here.

Having said that, there are a couple-few things I think could be improved.

First, the snake/frog/toad imagery is brilliant, but appears and then disappears and the reader wonders why? I would bring that imagery back — otherwise, it’s confusing — like another road that leads nowhere, and while it’s good for the poem to have these roads leading us — well — nowhere, we don’t want the poem itself to do that. Not with imagery that powerful, I don’t think.

Second, there are things thrown in there that I don’t get and I’m wondering if it’s a country difference thing. Grab a rake? Put on a coat? What do those things have to do with government and/or migrations? I might well be missing something, so please don’t assume these things should go — but if they don’t have meanings relevant to the main idea(s) of the poem, I would either put in more information to MAKE them relevant, or else replace them with more relevant imagery.

Third and last — I would just really think here about what exactly you want the reader to get — like, one or two things you NEED us to know. Government sucks? The infrastructure of the world is crumbling and no one has the power to fix it? Humans are aimless fools? (My personal favorite, hahaha.) Whatever that idea (or those ideas) is/are, look at each line and ask yourself: how does this line add to that idea, that meaning? How does my reader get more understanding about what I want him/her to understand with that line? That might help tighten the focus.

I can’t wait to see the next draft!!!

Miriam

Comments coming soon! :-)

Miriam

… kinda late myself ……..

nope, didn’t make it to the slam….oh, well, one day…

I have to say great job on this one, LOL, … I guess it’s to being a native speaker + well-read person … , which for now all I can say it’s a goal to aim towards to…

I like the beginning lots… BUT as far as the whole thing goes it’s just too clean/too perfect? dunno how to say it, definitely the rhythm works. the more I read it tho, the more I like it, maybe it’s just cuz I’ve accidentaly memorized it the last time I worked on it, so it’s ike my brain’s a bit expectant of the “old lines”-subconscious bias :) funny, how I can remember this, but not stuff I did/thought 5 seconds ago? u know I think I like it-ALL, by now I can say I wouldn’t do any better :) :) :) this is the final version then

well, hope u’r summer goes well, I’ll try n post more stuff soon

ToL.

I’m late as usual. HAHAHAHA

OK — I have revised your work below so that I think it has some sort of rhythm thing going on — i made line breaks to sort of imply how to do the rhythm thing as I saw it — read it out loud and let me know your thoughts. :-)))

Miriam

It’s the way I was born,
I don’t feel torn,
u’r scorn is just
all right by me.
It’s your shit to deal with,
mine to smell,
but I can tell
you’re not well here ,
distant as hell,
like devil and dear,
Need I do more
to make myself clear?
I think I lost
a friend tonite,
even though
that wouldn’t be right,
cause when i try to read your mind,
all i see is your heart sinkin’.
Is it my secret?
Well then, so be it….,
what should it change ’bout you and me,
thought our friendship would always be.
So wide, so deep you anxiously be.
So hide behind your smile,
while your tears slide,
like a mighty rivers tide-
-so wide, so deep, a rush of water,
streams of life, wash all that matters…
-…mattered … mattered…
a minute ago…
Dreams shattered,
angry thoughts scattered…
Seeds I’ve planted,
fruit I’ve eaten
in this garden of eden
…raw hopes watered to be grown,
time passes by and no return …
So what’s it gonna be,
u & me
picking that tree
full of hope?
Throw away the rope my friend,
walk w/ me thru the gate!
Say um weird? Who r u 2 rate?
I’m happy and you’re not…..
come, come …. join me love! …..